residencia en la tierra

Where I've been

2006-05-25T20:38:00.000-05:00

contradiction anyone?

2006-02-23T19:47:00.000-06:00

asshole: see below

2006-02-21T21:57:00.000-06:00

http://filmstripinternational.com/

that's all I have for today

it is what comes up when you google "asshole" and click I'm feeling lucky (Thanks Eva)

Victor Jara- cantante chileno y El poeta

2006-02-09T20:41:00.000-06:00

El lazo The Noose

Cuando el sol se inclinaba, When the sun was setting
lo encontré, I found him
en un rancho sombrío, In a gloomy hut,
de Lonquén, in Lonquen,
en un rancho de pobres, In a poverty stricken sickness,
lo encontré, I found him,
cuando el sol se inclinaba, When the sun was setting
en Lonquén. in Lonquen
Sus manos siendo tan viejas His hands, although so old
eran fuertes pa' trenzar, were strong in their plaiting,
eran rudas y eran tiernas They were rough and they were tender
con el cuero'el animal. with the animal skin.
El lazo como serpiente The plaited noose, like a snake
se enroscaba en el nogal curled around the walnut tree
y en cada lazo la huella In which every mesh was woven
de su vida y de su pan. His life and his bread.
Cuanto tiempo hay en sus manos How much time is contained in his hands
y en su apagado mirar. and in his patient gaze
Y nadie ha dicho: esta bueno, and nobody has said: "That's enough,
ya no debes trabajar. you should not work anymore."
La sombra viene laceando The shadows fell interlacing,
la ultima luz del día the last light of the day.
el viejo trenza unos versos The old man weaves some verses
pa' maniatar la alegría. to capture some gaiety.
Sus lazos han recorrido His nooses have traveled
sur y norte, cerro y mar, south and north, coast and mountain,
pero el viejo la distancia but the old man never learnt
nunca la supo explicar. what distance really means.
Su vida deja en los lazos He leaves his life in plainted leather
aferrados al nogal, knotted to the walnut tree
después llegara la muerte Soon death will come
y también lo laceara. and that too will be plaited in.
Que importa si el lazo es firme What does it matter if the noose is firm
y dura la eternidad, and lasts for eternity,
laceando por algún campo Intertwined with some country place
el viejo descanzara. the old man at last will rest.
Cuando el sol se inclinaba, When the sun was setting
lo encontré, I found him
en un rancho sombrío In a gloomy hut
de Lonquén, in Lonquen
en un rancho de pobres In a poverty stricken sickness
lo encontré, I found him
cuando el sol se inclinaba When the sun was setting
en Lonquén. in Lonquen

The Dictators

An odor has remained among the sugarcane:
a mixture of blood and body, a penetrating
petal that brings nausea.
Between the coconut palms the graves are full
of ruined bones, of speechless death-rattles.
The delicate dictator is talking
with top hats, gold braid, and collars.
The tiny palace gleams like a watch
and the rapid laughs with gloves on
cross the corridors at times
and join the dead voices
and the blue mouths freshly buried.
The weeping cannot be seen, like a plant
whose seeds fall endlessly on the earth,
whose large blind leaves grow even without light.
Hatred has grown scale on scale,
blow on blow, in the ghastly water of the swamp,
with a snout full of ooze and silence

Pablo Neruda

2006-02-08T07:24:00.000-06:00

To forfeit and opportunity to ignite the constantly fleeting essence of youth is the gravestsin. The uncontrollable shrieks from behind closet doors next to me beat any cyncial humor or feeling of validation from concordance with feelings of contempt. Fatigue is no match for the adrenaline surge and pounding heart as the enemy nears. Openness to the simple joys of childhood soon to decay, dissapate should be exercised vigorously so as to shake the enthusiasm and pure love into as many cells as possible.

where I am

2006-02-07T20:49:00.000-06:00

I am on my blue chair
in my overheated apartment
in front of my oversized monitor radiating light
under a roof shared with strangers
separated from a life too familiarly dysfunctional by a bit of drywall
I have a friend in the other room
a kitchen full of food
lights, clean water, and enough clothes for an entire family

I am surrounded by technology
it adds a little to my life and takes a lot more away
two speakers play a tune that I let mean something to me
my room is full of furniture my grandparents bought me when I was 10

tomorrow I will go to a job which provides me an opportunity to do a few small things that make a difference
I get paid to do what, most of the time, I feel is right
Yet I go along feeling animosity and superiority.
Tomorrow I will tell a concerned woman, there is nothing that can be done
'you and your children will no longer have water in your home'
I will tell the long-haired girl with sad eyes that her hope was false
'tendras que seguir siendo una slave for McDonald's without even the smallest space of your own to raise your daughter'

I will walk through the plastic and pink tweed jungle past diamonds and designer purses
to stare at a screen and think about how I can prove to it my efficacy
I will feel as though I am powerless and go fill my coffee mug in frustration and desperation
at some point something will recharge my drive
today it was the smile and hug from a woman with whom I bothered to share a human connection

Here I sit, eyes strained by the hollow light
I dare not think of those souls I know who are working themselves to death THIS very moment
ripping their bodies apart not sparing their minds
neither their souls nor their family lives are safe
all this sacrificed so they can live freely
freely deprived of lights, health, and dignity

Tomorrow here again I will be, only slightly distanced from
slovenly pigs who mull over profits, portfolios, and propaganda
and those who I can't call friends will peacefully seek refuge in dreams

just a simple monday off, yet ever so freeing

2006-01-15T21:44:00.000-06:00

just a few photos to show what I've been up to lately. more accurately--this weekend. It was a busy busy one. I did about a billion things, but it was good for a change rather than feeling the paralysis of winter. First dinner party, quite nice. Then, yes, I was doing dishes. And finally, last nights arm wrestling competition. Were these really the people doing the anthropological Observations?? I fear for the discipline.

It was a good weekend because I saw some friends I have not seen for a while. It's interesting to me because there have been so many times I felt like i had nothing in my life with these people, but I think there are many other things involved. I suppose I have many more comments for this but as of now do not feel a desire to continue typing. Oh well, leave more to comment on for later.

now I will retire to my bed to watch a movie on my new ridiculously large screen. I'm sure my eyes won't stay on it long.

en tinieblas a veces en tinieblas

2005-12-27T17:17:00.000-06:00

for something better read the entire poem The Hollow Men by TS Eliot, this is section V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

ahora hacia la luz... surya

Long time no post

2005-12-22T19:20:00.000-06:00

So yes, it has been a while since I've written on here. Somehow, I was just unable to let or make myself do so. I worked some things out in my own space, rather than cyber space. Which is good. Time for a Pablo Neruda piece of beauty. I'm pondering which to share. He is not just a poet with a few wonderful pieces; he has multitudes of amazing, powerful, and insightful poems. He was such an intense man, and ever so interesting.

The website from which I am trying to copy today's poem is incredibly slow, so I digress. I've been extremely tired all week, but only when I am at home. As soon as I arrive home in the evening, I become sleepy and count down the hours till bed. Then I lay down early. The reverse occurs in the morning. I keep waking up around 6 or so, completely awake and ready to go, but unable to get out of bed (except of course, for this morning's toe-stubbing bathroom trip, which is still killing me), so I lay there for a good hour or so before dragging myself up. I suppose these are luxuries I am afforded now that school is out and I don't have a billion things to constantly do that are shouting at me.

Today the English version alone will have to suffice.

Lost in the forest, I broke off a dark twig
and lifted its whisper to my thirsty lips:
maybe it was the voice of the rain crying,
a cracked bell, or a torn heart.

Something from far off it seemed
deep and secret to me, hidden by the earth
,a shout muffled by huge autumns,
by the moist half-open darkness of the leaves.

Wakening from the dreaming forest there, the hazel-sprig
sang under my tongue, its drifting fragrance
climbed up through my conscious mind

as if suddenly the roots I had left behind
cried out to me, the land I had lost with my childhood
---and I stopped, wounded by the wandering scent

El Poeta Soneto XVII

2005-11-30T21:18:00.000-06:00

I've decided to begin sharing more Neruda poems on here, the blog's namesake afterall. Wow the poems are beautiful in English and Spanish, but yet so very different so I will include them both. It is wonderful.

Soneto XVII
No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacioo
flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

Thinking, Tangling Shadows
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

death, life, and family

2005-11-24T17:39:00.000-06:00

This morning at 2:45 a.m. my grandfather, Chris, passed away. It is a hard thing to believe because even until the last moments his eyes shined of life and his life strength kept his body running. It's also hard to believe because he lived his life so fully. While on the surface it seems hard to be thankful this Thanksgiving when so much has been taken from me and my family, I feel as thankful as I ever have. I am thankful that he was such a huge part of my life. He was genuinely concerned about our whole family and loved unconditionally though his pride in us was immense. I am thankful that I knew him like very few women my age know their grandfathers. I am thankful for the trip I took to see him in the spring in AZ, the anecdotes he shared with me, and his willingness and love for sharing his wisdom on life. During that trip, he told me with complete confidence and certainty that he wanted to live as long and well as he could, but was in every way, unafraid and eager to move on from this life. Five years ago (nearly to the day) when my beautiful grandmother passed away, I felt completely lost and horrified. I never imagined I would look back at the event and the timing and find any good in it. Yet looking back today, I cherish that after her death I was able to know my grandfather in a completely new, deeper, and meaningful way. I am thankful that I was able to spend time with him in the hospital caring for him in his last days and that despite being very ill I could see the life in his eyes and know that he knew I was there and love him. I am infinetely thankful for all that he has done in my life and his role in the person that I am.

Now my family must move on and find a way to be family in a new way, without our center. It's been a fascinating experience to see the strength and love in my family which most of us spend time thinking is a bit absurd, yet in reality, when it comes right down to it we have it together in major ways.

I suppose it is only fitting upon a death to think about life, because, well, that is what we have right now. I think death is beautiful besides the sorrow that it causes and I think it is worth thinking about in many different ways.

I've had so much to think about in the past few days and am thankful i have the capacity for that and the ability to gain even in the slightest from the pain through which I am swimming.

Pearl Jam- Masters of War

2005-11-16T20:09:00.000-06:00

Come you masters of war, you that build all the guns
You that build the death place, you that build all the guns
You that hide behind walls, you that hide behind desks
I just want you to know, I can see through your masks
You that never done nothing, but to build and destroy
You play with my world, like it's your little toy
You put a gun in my hand, then you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther as the fast bullets fly
Like judas of old, you lie and deceive
A world war can be won, and you want me to believe
But I see through your eyes, and I see through your brain
Like I see through the water that runs down my drain
You that fasten all the triggers, for the others to fire
Then you sit back and watch, while the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion, while young people's blood
Flows out of their bodies and is buried in the mud
You've thrown the worst fear, that could ever be hurled
The fear to bring children, into this world
For threatenin' my baby, unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood that runs in your veins
How much do I know, to talk out of turn?
You might say that I'm young, you might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know, though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question, is your money that good?
Will it buy you forgiveness? do you think that it could?
Oh, I think you will find, when your death takes its toll
All the money you made will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon
I'll follow your casket, in the pale afternoon
And I'll watch as your lowered, into your deathbed
And I'll stand on your grave till I'm sure that your dead

yes

2005-11-16T17:15:00.000-06:00

I am writing to express my contentment with the past two hours of my life. I believe they were perhaps the two most productive ones of my life. Exactly what I needed and seeming even more so after the past few weeks of immobility. Taking the afternoon off for just that reason seemed to work out nicely. Though now I feel like celebrating, but am currently thinking of a scheme to trick myself into just busting through some other work I have. It's amazing how the right music seems to do the trick at these things. Sheer terror is quite prevalent in my thoughts of late, I realized that there is something like 3 weeks left in my entire college career. I think I will be sick... holy fucking shit. I guess I should not be scared, but rather look at this as an opporunity to step aside and really examine my life and pick the right freaking direction to go with it. ahh. dizziness. oh well, best to disregard if this is to be the response. I guess it's cool I have a semester to spend leisurely figuring my shit out.

what i am is not

2005-11-14T20:10:00.000-06:00

as static forms the image
clarity obscures the reality

while falling and flying
to will the separation of the contradiction,
divides the consciousness of my will

parts not apart but colliding
colliding a word with a meaning
energy dances its circle to no where

in the end, the random and disconnected riots
weren't violent at all,
but conducting a crescendo each moment

So this is November

2005-11-07T19:07:00.000-06:00

Interesting month november may well turn out to be. I've had in a way a great deal on my mind lately, while at the same time I feel like I have had nothing on my mind. I guess that's the way it goes when the thing on my mind is pretty much one thing, and the various facets of it I suppose. Anyway, if you've talked to me recently, I'm sure you know to what I am referring. I really do need to find my head this week, however, just not too much. Cause, well, having my mind on a hijacked plane high in the atmosphere is fun.

Lately, I've been feeling really different about the way I see people. It has been building for a while and is now incredibly strong. I've feel like I've become very good at feeling people. I've been getting strong senses about several people in a very intense and overwhelming way. One of the most notable being my host over the weekend. It took only a few hours for me to have a stronger sick feeling about him than I have ever felt about anyone. It was frightening, I just remember thinking I could feel the darkness of his soul-- or lack there of. I just kept thinking, oooh this is a bad bad person. I feel bad, because his friend/ my friend, I feel completely opposite about. He is a good good genuine person and it sucks that I think So incredibly lowly of his friend. I think I will not write too much about the other senses of this type I've been having. Mostly because it is so overwhelming I'm not sure how to make sense of it myself and hate to trivialize it with my insufficient verbiage. In any case, I hope and feel that this awareness I have gained will last.

Now I will take my spiritually- aware self and go read casa de las espiritus- how appropriate, how belated.

a nice shade of blue

2005-11-01T14:20:00.000-06:00

woe to humanity

2005-10-26T19:36:00.000-05:00

Today is a sad day.

We grieve the lives of our 2000 soldiers who lost their lives in the war we created. I find it hard to celebrate any heroism when I think of the sick and massive number of lives lost by the people whose homes and lives are being destroyed. I will never understand how human lives are arranged on a value scale. White skin, 50 points for your life value. Christian, 100 points for you. Speak a language of roman origin, 30 for your lucky bastard ass. Everyone else: we're sorry, you are pawns to us--expendable, nevermind your spirit and the love you create with your families. I know too many good people who come from these parts of the world, where we kill people like ants and I don't know how they have the strength to look us in the eye. How they are able to get out of bed in the morning and believe that there is good in the world. Yet they have some of the most beautiful and loving spirits I have ever seen (I will never come even close). Nevermind those who hate and spread their hatred. who kill and spread their killing. How can we justify these losses for anything. These people (as I hate to even call myself a person) ruin lives for generations and take lives like a game. These same people who spread their ideology and think that the State can take the life of someone who does something just as heinous, and unforgiveable, when they are out of their mind. They are sick. Somehow it is supposed to be more acceptable when it is systematic and dehumanized not to mention the other side of the world involving people who aren't even considered to be human.

It makes me sick to think of the way a family will be treated by the same hateful people, who claim to love jesus and use "evil" as an excuse to blame, torture, and extinguish the souls of good people who have a great pain of their own. I will never know how this family must feel. But they are a few of the good people and I must believe they will overcome. I must believe this to give any meaning to life any sense of decency to humanity. I wish I had the slightest way to reach out and say I feel for your family, everyone else is wrong, you are good people. and what has happened is a horrible tragedy for everyone. How can our society be so blind?

Despite all the darkness and the impending feeling of sick doom that overcomes me when I think about it, I know there are good people in the world. One of whom, I hope as deeply close to praying as possible, (where does one draw the line?) will recover though I fear the worst. This person has touched my life in the deepest way possible. As my teacher, he was responsible for showing my mind and my spirit the meaning of life that can be found through literature and breathed life into my intellectual life as a whole. I am who I am because of the small part he played in my life for which I am infinetely grateful. Sometimes I wonder if those people who live life so fully just run out of life energy earlier than the rest of us.

I find it interesting that I can emphathize with the people that everyone else thinks are bad and can't even come close to understanding all those judgmental souls. They are the ones who are missing out on life. (hypocrisy reigns as I dare to judge them myself)

If you are me

2005-10-24T19:00:00.000-05:00

if you are me, you walk around thinking of everything in terms of "if you are..... Otherwise....". Otherwise, you are really missing out.

la semana 24 de octubre

2005-10-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

This week:

if you come from a plant, I eat you. Otherwise, you are in luck.

if you tell me what to do, I dislike you. Otherwise, you are in luck (if that is really luck).

if you are physics homework, I ignore you. Otherwise, I probably still ignore you.

if you are my roommate, you consider having me institutionalized. Otherwise, you are really missing out.

if you are my bed, you are sick of me loving you. Otherwise, it's really been too long.

if you are my blog, you are confused. Otherwise, you see exactly what I mean.

Blue

2005-10-23T15:39:00.000-05:00

Waxing and waning

2005-10-22T20:12:00.000-05:00

I have most definitely been waning lately as far as my writing is concerned. Though my acknowledgement of that may in fact be a sign of my waxing towards the full blown expressiveness to which I strive. I feel like my mind has been in and out lately and any clarity has been trapped inside my head. It's one of those times when I really live inside of my head and sooner or later things start to overflow. It's been interesting the things I've been pondering because they keep taking me by surprise. It's like once I get a glimmer of something I hold on to it and my thoughts cultivate it until it's fully abundant in my mind. The waxing and waning I am beginning to believe are just part of me. I cannot always be in a particular mind set or for that matter a particular state of myself. It is just not who I am, and I'm glad I am more able to see that. For all the abstraction that is this entry, I'm okay that it makes sense to only me. Really I am getting accustomed to it and though at times it makes me tired, there is something freeing about the idea. I just need a reminder now and then that I am not alone and surrounded by emptiness. This week in a strange way I was reminded of that at the most timely moment. For which I am thankful yet find myself longing for more. Even so, I don't bother spending any time "out" this weekend because in the fashion that it usually is, I see no point. The more I go on, the more meaningless it all seems. And it really has more to do with the company with anything else. So I am content, here at 8:00 on saturday to be here in my room with my music and book. I may later force myself out in order to let a particular part of me dance around. I think about the incoherence between what I feel in the most deep way and the way my life is manifested and I am not really sickened. I am just glad I am as close to it as I am, however far it may be.

I like for you to be still

2005-10-21T17:23:00.000-05:00

by Pablo Neruda

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not touch you
It seems as though your eyes had flown away
And it seems that a kiss had sealed your mouth
As all things are filled with my soul
You emerge from the things
Filled with my soul
You are like my soul
A butterfly of dream
And you are like the word: Melancholy

I like for you to be still
And you seem far away
It sounds as though you are lamenting
A butterfly cooing like a dove
And you hear me from far away
And my voice does not reach you
Let me come to be still in your silence
And let me talk to you with your silence
That is bright as a lamp
Simple, as a ring
You are like the night
With its stillness and constellations
Your silence is that of a star
As remote and candid

I like for you to be still
It is as though you are absent
Distant and full of sorrow
So you would've died
One word then,
One smile is enough
And I'm happy;
Happy that it's not true

El Senor honorable Juan Rulfo

2005-10-18T19:17:00.000-05:00

El Llano en Llamas

Nos Han Dado la Tierra

La Cuesta de las Comadres

Es Que Somos Muy Pobres

Aqui todo va de mal en peor.... El rio comenzo a crecer hace tres noches, a eso de la madrugada... Segun mi papa, ellas se habian echado a perder porque eramos muy pobres en mi casa y ellas eran muy retobadas. Desde chiquillas ya eran rezongonas. Y tan luego que crecieron les dio por andar con hombres de los peor, que les ensenaron cosas malas. Ellas aprendieron pronot y entendian muy vien los chilflidos, cuando las llamaban a altas horas de la noche, Despues salian hasta de dia. Iban cada rato por agua al rio y a veces, cuando uno menos se lo esperaba, alli estaban en el corral, revolcandose en el suelo, todas encueradas y cad una con un hombre hombre trepado encima...

La unica esperanza que nos queda es que el becerro este todavia vivo. Ojala no se le haya ocurrido pasar el rio detras de su madre. Porque si asi fue, mi hermana Tacha esta tantito asi de retirado de hacrse piruja. Y mama no quiere...

Yo se que para ellos, y la mayoria de los pobres, solo empeora todo...

no sense at all

2005-10-17T21:25:00.000-05:00

A monday evening

2005-10-17T21:18:00.000-05:00

Find the beauty in this photo

If I practiced more I think I'd find that I'd have more life. As it is I feel there is too much. What is the point of intending in getting back to where I can be? Intention is meaningless. Accomplishment is empty when the rest is sacrificed. It's hard to believe that we got to the point where it can be believed that just being is valueless. I can't think of a single life that is less valuable because it fails to follow the established routine of our idea of accomplishment. Even the most painful, disparate, and difficult lives have meaning. How we let ourselves undervalue them is the greatest failure. I love how my ideas are ever reinforced by the sick, thoughtless assumptions of others.

Sometimes

2005-10-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

For some reason what I wanted to say about sometimes is just not coming out. The consolation prize in this case in quite grand, what came to mind instead.

(picture is supposed to be here, but blogger hates me today)

Yet another gem from Pearl Jam

Sometimes

Large fingers pushin' paint
You're God and you got big hands
The colors blend
The challenges you give man

Seek my part
Devote myself, my small self
Like a book amongst the many on a shelf

Sometimes I know
Sometimes I rise
Sometimes I fall
Sometimes I don't
Sometimes I cringe
Sometimes I live
Sometimes I walk
Sometimes I kneel
Sometimes I speak of nothing at all
Sometimes I reach to myself, dear God

Frost

2005-10-12T20:36:00.000-05:00

The Secret Sits

We dance round in a ring and suppose,
But the Secret sits in the middle and knows.

A good laugh

2005-10-11T21:31:00.000-05:00

this one makes me smile

Giving In

2005-10-11T21:26:00.000-05:00

I almost did it. I almost resisted the temptation and escaped the obsession to live without attachment.

But I failed.

Yes, it's true. I resubscribed (in the paying fashion) to napster. I felt I needed all that music just staring at me but which was unable to be heard. So I paid my 9.95 monthly fee and now have free listening reign. Well, only on my computer.... Nevertheless, I am excited because now I can dance my ass off to all sorts of music.. Spanish music. and you know I did just exactly that all night. Not homework, not translations, not studying, nor reading. Just listening and dancing.

Anyway, at this rate I suppose I shall be able to make it through the week.

Dehydrated

2005-10-10T22:32:00.000-05:00

All I really can think about is how dehydrated I am. Welcome to the cold, not to mention depressing, months. Well, maybe they won't be so bad. Things could be interestingly different. or not, which is more likely. I feel lethargic, but that probably has something to do with the lack of nutritious and surplus of crap food that I have eaten lately. Especially today. Tomorrow I will go to Ideal. The arugula is calling me. I say that is one delicious leafy green. I love it. and I know it loves me too. What a wonderful feeling. chapped lips, that is NOT a wonderful feeling.

So what I will wear to Friday's fulbright interview has become my new topic of obsession. I don't think I should go out and dress in a way that is not really me. I mean I already dress up, somewhat, every day for work anyway. I refuse to EVER wear a powersuit EVER. Shoot me if you ever see me in one please. So I am beginning my lifelong strive for suitlessness. They make me nauseous, especially on certain dog haired people. hideous.

Okay, to bed I go.

It's been a while

2005-10-09T22:34:00.000-05:00

as I sit here waiting for my facial mask to dry, I thought I'd drop a line. Since nothing else interesting is coming to mind I guess I'll start with the mindless drivel that is the play-by-play of the weekend.

Friday, 6ish oclock begin drinking by making up a drinking game to wheel of fortune, this is the only way that show could ever be entertaining, which is not saying a lot since drinking games are not entertaining. Then took funny shopping trip to mall with boys, followed by trip to bag and save for beer. Then of course, came beer drinking, and I was all the fuck wound up, dancing around in the garage like a fool, but I did not care, it kept me warm. Then at some point ended up talking to That guy, who also had been drinking, nothing much was said, other than me saying I'm not so sure, when asked if it was okay to call me. dumb dumb dumb.

Once my good friend Andrea got done being a crazy woman at the hockey game, we headed downtown to meet her and her folks for some wings. They were good, I had fun. By this point I must have been a bit tipsy because I was all game for going to the bars. Started off at one bar, this guy who apparently has a thing for me, well made it obvious, weird since I don't really know him and I don't think we even really talked about anything. dumb. So... anyway, met up with Todd, and ended the night drinking white russians, with brett and having some interesting conversations. Where I liked to tell everyone my belief that war is caused by two things-- natural resources and religion. Topics of conversation, what is the difference between an agnostic and athiest, Plan B, vs, abortion pill, RUsomethingsomething. among others. I was super smooth as I ended up with plenty of white russian on my shirt. made it home at 4 oclock.

Saturday before 7 phone rings, it is That guy, expecting voicemail calling to apologize for talking to me when drunk. what the hell... Later woke up, family came to town, mom was proud I'd left my car somewhere else the night before, I was amused. That guy called again to apologize for "last two" phone calls, I have to go, family is here. probably was best. Went to not so good lunch at ticos with heather/etc. bc rents/ gpa were having "business discussion" at el toro, the good restaurant. Came home, took much needed nap, woke up. jenna and I screamed and yelled at the tv, but it was not sufficient because the huskers lost anyway. then I made my way over to some guys' house to see mark, etc. Then we went to party that hansen was the only one who really wanted to go there. I am permanently traumatized because of it, let's just say togas were involved and I didn't last there more than ten minutes. I had a chair in the back of my car, and in order to drive us all we ended up leaving it on the sidewalk, amusing.. Went down to watering hole to meet kellie etc., brett was mark's sugar daddy, I was DD. some drama, blah, matt gets kicked out, man from night before that I don't know well must have been drunk or something, he kept staring at me (or so it seemed) and then I was a total bitch to him for singing bulldog fight song. it was deserved. I have reached the conclusion that getting hit on (even if it's subtle) just seriously freaks me out.

Today spent day with heather and montana, okay see now I'm tired of the play by play and expect no one to even have reached this point as i myself hate play by plays. Accomplished a few things when I got home. Then went on the pore cleansing mission. It is kind of an obsession for me. It is just so damn gratifying. Now I will read until I fall asleep and then I will embark on the extremely long day that is tomorrow as I have to go to Crete twice a day several times this week. I think it is total bullshit. Leaving home at 7 and returning after 9 just to do it all over again does not really work for me. Especially when I have many things to be doing. It seems like these days I never just do nothing. I don't even really like to sleep in anymore. But I really did do a fair share of nothing this weekend, and way too much of it involved downtown, I will have to do some serious soul cleansing.

walking around

2005-09-22T20:26:00.000-05:00

there is some about just walking. walking and walking and walking. carrying myself and being within myself--it is freedom and it is life. Walking beyond when you think you can walk and living off of yourself. for this I long. when i walked around this lake i felt surrounded and nourished by nature and felt free. free to be and to breathe. freedom from attachments and all that is not real. that is bliss.

Take me away

2005-09-14T22:29:00.000-05:00

Ever constant is the drive to be far away from here. It's like a hunger, primitive and natural for me.

I'll take the allergies

2005-09-11T22:08:00.000-05:00

Benadryl gives me nightmares

2005-09-11T18:08:00.000-05:00

It's Sunday and that means that this site
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/
has new postcards for the week. Check them out, I really like this site. I'd put a link to it on here, but I don't have a clue how to do that.

Today, by a stroke of luck I rediscovered a band that I like. John Butler Trio.
You can download/listen to some of their amazing music from their website but have to have or download the right software to listen to it I believe.
http://www.johnbutlertrio.com/

Today I accomplished very little, pretty much only a pot of soup, which is worthy, but wasn't on my mental to-do list. Fuck to do lists. I do what I want.

A band I heard about on NPR and enjoyed their unique sound several months back is The Duhks. Their music is definitely not my usual genre of choice, but there is something about it.
You can listen to them here:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=4506655
I recommend "Mists of Down Below"

Baudelaire

2005-09-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

an excerpt from The Voyage

The child, in love with prints and maps,
Holds the whole world in his vast appetite.
How large the earth is under the lamplight!
But in the eyes of memory, how the world is cramped!

We set out one morning, brain afire,
Hearts fat with rancor and bitter desires,
Moving along the rhythm of wind and waves
Lull the inner infinite on the finite of seas

[....]

But the true voyagers are those who leave
Only to be going; hearts nimble as balloons,
They never diverge from luck's black sun,
And with or without reason, cry, Let's be gone.

[....]

the world exploded into love all around me

2005-09-09T18:18:00.000-05:00

by Bob Schneider

There is a universe that can't be seen
It's just a feeling if you know what I mean
A delectable dimension undetectable by sight
It'll fill up your heart in the dead of the night
Some say its an astral plane
Can't be described can't be explained
The world exploded into love all around me
The world exploded into love all around me
And everytime I take a look around meI have to smile
Oh is our life just an illusion
There is no need to figure it out
The separation exists not in your love filled heart
But only in your mind
The real story's all around you
Even now it surrounds you
Even now I feel the power
The world exploded into love all around me
The world exploded into love all around me
And everytime I take a look around me I have to smile

I am extremely excited to go to this show tonight. I really hope it's good. I haven't had a good concert experience for quite some time now. In fact, I'm not even sure what the last concert I went to was. It couldn't possibly be the coldplay fiasco could it? and by that I don't mean the quality of the coldplay show, but the nightmare it was that I REALLY should have clued into (enough said). No no I went to some local shows with Erin, they weren't bad. Phew...

I have an enormous amount of energy lately. I love it. That's what happens when I feel like I have my shit together. As I was driving home the other day, I had a huge smile on my face and remember thinking how unfragmented I felt for the first time in a long time. Okay enough sap from my branches.

Venting: feel free to ignore this post

2005-09-06T20:18:00.000-05:00

It's always a GOOD sign when you feel like you've been severely beaten after an honest day's work. I mean dang, so much for being a workaholic; I think I'll stay in school forever. The negative energy really builds up when you talk to so many people with things so rough in a day. I can handle clients being rude to me to a certain extent. I realize the stress they are under and while I get fed up with being bitched at sometimes, for the most part I handle it. What I CAN'T handle is other employees that piss me off or treat me rudely or like I don't matter when we are losing our sanity over the chaos of the job in the first place. So I've quit being polite to the one's that piss me off. I just don't talk to them unless I have something to say to them. Do you think I CARE that you can't get your stupid overly expensive pen RIGHT NOW?!! At times it makes me crazy when other employees treat me like they are my superior or like I know nothing just because I am a receptionist. Like the woman today who introduced the people around me to her new employee and didn't introduce me, not like it's my job to know who everyone is or anything. Oh wait, yes it is! To the ones who say I'd like to work up here for a day I say "Bring it on." Take the sexist, rude, almighty one who is in charge of maintenance, today I flat out told him that his idea sucked and he obviously did not take it very well. But that is the way it goes, and I felt better not to mention I was amused. So for my last meaningless rant about work I must mention that I DESPISE when people walk by during one of our rare minutes of relative calm between our THOUSANDS of daily phone calls and demands from all sides of our work space all the while changing the way things go everyday and say "looks like you're busy, or working hard, or I'd like to be doing your job" If it weren't for these few minutes our entire department would be on the third floor of the hospital on cocktails of tranquilizers. I don't care if you are joking, I don't think it's fucking funny and I think you are dumb, lazy, stupid bitches!

I guess there are a few things that keep me in my job. 1) my personal philosophy 2) my desire to not be a slave for "the man" 3) The benefits it will have in my future career nonsense 4) the opportunity to speak spanish all the time 4) The diversity 5) the coworkers I have who actually are awesome and interesting

Okay now that I've vented, I'll be ready for tomorrow.

Soul sucking mall

2005-09-04T15:03:00.000-05:00

I know the mall is one of those things in life that sucks our lives and souls to oblivion. Nevertheless, I went there today and was EXTREMELY amused, and only slightly sickened. For example, in the book store, the financial planning section of books was labeled "The success library" A book store for gods sake, a book store! Books stores are supposed to be smart and real not playing into the brutal marketing hunt for our minds and money. But they are. Are they ever. Even worse in a way, sucking the soul out of the small bits of culture we do have. Also in the libros en espanol section I found a nice copy of "la dieta south beach". THANK god, THAT has been translated into another language for even more people to be victimized.

Also at the mall, I was accosted. Accosted by the shoe salesman from hell! Accosted by his horrifying enthusiasm, or should I say desperation for selling overpriced leather and rubber contraptions that are bad for our bodies. It was hard for me not to straight up laugh at this man. He told me he was sweating and asked me where I work. Then I told him and said that is why I cannot afford any of your shoes; then I turned and walked out.

The best thing I found at this mall place was a beautiful Diego Rivera poster of the flower carrier for a beautiful 8 dollars. Yesterday when I was chilling with la nina at Susana's tranquil home I picked up a book and then I couldn't quit reading it. It was Local Wonders writen by a man who lives in the country right around here. So today I bought it for my grandpa because I think he will enjoy it and I do not do enough for him. He is a wonderful grandpa, the best one there could even be.

The horror. The horror!
At this very moment I discover I have lost the ability to play all the tracks I had downloaded from Napster. Since the subscriber whose account I used has cancelled 2 weeks ago I had still been able to listen. Until today. This is probably going to kill me. Or cause me to pay for my own sick subscription which only gets me listening rights anyway, not burning rights. I'm trying to withhold the profanities. I feel so lost without full listening freedom.

I'm still not completely resigned to the fact that for a few more short months I really do have to be a slave to school. And I am definetely not resigned to the fact that I actually have to do this physics homework SHIT on blackboard. But I am resigned to the fact that I am a nerd cause I'm looking forward to learning about excel in my physics class. Yes! Spreadsheets!

So, it's true. I went to the mall. And I will be having symptoms all day but I will survive.

By the way

2005-09-04T14:46:00.000-05:00

After what may or may not be considered a considerate amount of consideration as to whether or not I want to delete the last post because of negative statements it appears to make about a particular person, I've decided to clarify instead.

I know better than anyone that the person in question is in fact a very good person with a good heart and whose intellect is sincere and interesting. (this acknowledgement is why I have a problem with others who do not know this saying negative things, this is also what makes me a gigantic hypocrite) That does not mean however that this person will continue to be the one for me, as he is not, nor I for him. So any conversations as to this person's merit really have to do with how good this person and I are for each other, which is not. Everyone makes mistakes. I know I have. And (yes I really did just begin a sentence with and) it's much easier for others to judge mistakes as the identity of others. I know I do. I guess I should take that acknowledgement to heart. "Going downhill" means becoming something other than what is good for me, even if it includes what I consider to be serious problems. So I now consider this to be the end of this subject although at this point I can think/ talk about these things without an overly-heavy heart, I see no need to continually assess this aspect of my life in this forum.

These words really don't do justice to what I think about the whole thing. I really don't think I could be any better with it now or with the way it came to be a part of history.

Conversations with my people

2005-09-04T01:20:00.000-05:00

It always feels good when someone Else, even if its someone you care for and admire, tells you the ex is/ has always been a total loser. Especially since you're the one that spent a QUARTER of your life with that person. It's okay for me to say things to that extent because I fully understand the person and the progression over time. But when other people start on it, it offends me, even if I agree. It's most hypocritical because I am definetely not the last to reciprocate the favor in these matters

I guess when it comes down to it I know it took me longer to end it after things got bad than may have been best, but I know that I as a self respecting woman can't think that I was with someone of such a caliber for so long, unless that person really went downhill. And I don't care what other people want to make of it, but I don't want to be second guessing myself as to where I was during the whole ordeal.

All that matters is that I'm exceptionally happy and joyful now and things are looking up. No knot in my stomach no conflict in my soul.

Reflection

2005-08-30T21:12:00.000-05:00

The best way for me to understand where I am know in my life is look back on where I used to be. I found some old writings that made me realize how happy I am now in my life and what some of the things I put myself through were really like:
The following I wrote more than two years ago. Just for clarity, the 'you' in this is me.

Who’s there?
Why do you falter?
Why do you lead me in every wrong direction?
Why do you never trust your knowledge?
Why have you lost your mind?
Why have you taken mine?
Why have you leucotomized?
Why must you stab?
Why must you pull away?
Why must you lie to me?
You lust, stray, confuse, ignite, explode, and retreat
I flourish, muse, satiate, and exhaust allowing infiltration
but you are me though I despise and disrespect
you fight me off until I steadily progress and overshadow
only to be victimized and brainwashed by my very own-- you

I'm pleased that I think these conflicting parts of me seem to be much more cohesive and I don't have any part of my being or my gut telling me something is wrong or that deep down I know things are not right. It makes me feel like much more of a whole person.

I'm completely dumbfounded after reading through some old journals. Could I really have felt that way and rationalized so much? Who IS that person who knows what is right, but will not make herself happy? WHAT was she thinking? Phew... At first it was relieving to realize the changes i've made, now then it became depressing. Now it just is what it is. I suppose it's what it took to get me here in my life and it won't always be easy, but mi destino no tiene que ser el destino de mi vida

Makes more sense

2005-08-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

Do you see the way that tree bends? Does it inspire?Leaning out to catch the sun's rays...a lesson to be applied...Are you gettin' something out of this all encompassing trip?You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets oh...Or you can come to terms and realizeYou're the only one who can forgive yourself oh yeah...Makes much more sense to live in the present tense...Have you ideas on how this life ends?Checked your hands and studied the lines?Have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?Seems that needlessly it's gettin' harderTo find an approach and a way to live...Are we gettin' something out of this all-encompassing trip?You can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh...Or you can come to terms and realize...You're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh...A-makes much more sense to live in the present tense...

Just one of the million reasons I love Pearl Jam.
I feel like I'm on speed today. Something about the pace at work today had my adrenaline running rampant. Maybe it's because I'm excited about my prospects for a new job. And just generally all around happy-- scary. More later.

What I wrote in my journal last night

2005-08-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

following a slightly-obsessive rant:

I need to cut obsession out of my life.
Just little obsessive thoughts that poision and weaken me.
My core knows what is truly fulfilling, worthwhile, and substantive; yet like the human I am, I waiver and fall weakly to things trivial which is fine, but I need mind and slowly walk away from. (or else my life's work be complete)
Every bit I can write, read, walk, converse of matters of importance, meditate or practice makes my life more fulfilling and even so I struggle to motivate.

Jill- Hay que aprovechar
de la vida en cualquier ambiente porque como en lo extranjero, en el mundo entero incluyendo Nebraska, el tiempo es finito.

Diving in seriously

2005-08-29T07:10:00.000-05:00

For the past few weeks every Monday morning I have pepped myself up for the week at work. Jill-don't get angry with the drama you can't control. Jill-don't let the bombardment of your senses disrupt you. Well, results have been moderate or completely failing to say the least. Nevertheless, this Monday at 7:15 I am reaffirming my need to do these things and writing about it instead of drying my hair. Who the hell wants to do that anyway?

Deep breath.

Go!

Neruda y yo

2005-08-28T18:40:00.000-05:00

A little bit about the title of my blog. The first thing that came to mind when I was hurriedly thinking up a title for my blog was my favorite, yet quite dark Neruda poem "Walking Around". My favorite passage follows:

No quiero seguir siendo raiz en las tinieblas,
vacilante, extendido, tiritando de sueno,
hacia abajo, en las tripas mojadas de la tierra,
absorbiendo y pensando, comiendo cada dia.

Y es la verdad. This passage has since the first time I read it, given me a sense of connection. That feeling that "yes that is it. Exactly it"

And since I'm still not so sure about this whole blogging universe. I don't even know who if anyone will be reading this and that's not so much my intention. Then I face that ever-so common decision, do I tell my friends about this. If I do, will my rantings remain authentic? or will I be writing for that particular audience. So for now, I write just for the sake of writing. So that I can be, just for the sake of being.

Blogeando

2005-08-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

Blogeando-- I'm not so sure about this addition to the Spanish language. Neither am I sure about mi proposito in starting this blog. I suppose I feel a need to make sense of my brain waves and express them to others. So I'm joining the mass of bloggers all the while trying to convince myself this is not too pop culture for me to accept and enjoy or at least not secretly enjoy while trying to convince myself otherwise, like sick tv shows for example.